Tag Archives: Icing (food)

The Most Fucktacular Search Terms

28 Aug

FYFI: WordPress allows bloggers to see what search terms people have used to stumble upon their blog.

And the #1 Search Termfor this blog: pussy cupcakes

People have used some pretty fucktacular terms to find this blog. I have categorized the search terms into six categories: Baking, Foul-Mouthed Baking, Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn), Porn, Fucked-Up Porn, and Random Shit From The Interwebs.

I have some real examples of the terms that fit into the categories below for your fuckin’ convenience. If you are too fuckin’ lazy to read through some funny terms, then here is a word cloud to show you the most used words to find this site.

FuckinWordCloud

Pussy is only #2 to cake.

Baking

The people who used these terms were just searching for everyday baking help on the Interwebs. Then, BAM! This blog slapped them in the face with a hard dick. Here are  some innocent terms:

Foul-Mouthed Baking

These people knew what they were getting into:

  • messages to write on a dick cake
  • how to make a penis from icing
  • funny fudge recipe with all the foul language
  • diabeetus cake
  • you look fucktacular
  • lil diabeetus snacks

Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn or Both)

These are pretty fuckin’ nasty, you sick fucks. These people may have been looking for porn.

  • cake cream in pussy images
  • can you rub jello on your clit
  • filling asshole with ice cream
  • can you masturbate with buttercream icing

Porn

These people were just looking for porn, but got diabeetus instead.

  • horse cock  in pussy close up pic original animal
  • cum covered butte
  • put chocolate in her ass
  • www. fresh fucking chocolate pussy.com
  • german baker fucks two men

Fucked-Up Porn

These are a little more than just regular porn.

Random Shit From The Interwebs

So you don’t leave this post with a bad taste in your mouth… These are completely random terms, so I’m sure no one was expecting to land on this site.

  • can cats have cookie butter
  • why does tequila make your penis soft
  • fuck korean tea
  • gay german boys kissing
  • vagina mold hamster
  • green tea and fuck
  • dick shaped shoes

A Learning Experience

I have learned a lot from compiling this list, but I have more questions. So here’s another shittastic list with all the new stuff I learned and questions I have:

  1. People like porn
  2. People can’t spell
  3. How many of my baking ingredients can I masturbate with?
  4. I would like to develop some “lil diabeetus snacks”.
  5. People are full of questions. Seriously, can cats have cookie butter?
  6. Also, fuck Korean tea.

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The fucktacular word cloud generator I used

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Mother Fuckin’ Confidence: How To Be An Expert Baker

14 Aug

Fuckin’ Background

For a class project my fellow students and I had to interview each other on our area of expertise. The other students insisted someone interview me for my baking skills, even though I insisted I wasn’t a fuckin’ expert. Eventually, all this talk gave me the confidence I needed to pretend I was an expert, so  I said “Fuck it,” and pretended to be an expert.

How Did This Shit Happen?

Everything went well while I made the shittacular cake. The small fuck-up happened after the cake was completely finished. I put the cake in a container and put it in the fridge, but when I took it out I peeled the layer of icing off the top. Shit.

Shit. The container was a wee bit too small for the diabeetus cake. 

Shit. The container was a wee bit too small for the diabeetus cake.

Holy shit! It looked pretty bad. Not only was there a big hunk of icing missing, there was also a big crack in the icing that looked pretty shitty.

Look at that shit!

Look at that shit!

I didn’t have anymore of the chocolate buttercream icing that I originally used for the cake, but I did have a small amount of strawberry icing in my freezer. I spread some of the strawberry icing on the cake, and no one noticed at all. Can you tell the difference? I sure as fuck can’t.

Best cover up or bestest cover up?

Best cover up or bestest cover up?

Just so no one would question the integrity of the cake, I put a special message on it.

No one questioned this shit. This is one legit-ass cake.

No one questioned this shit. This is one legit-ass cake.

FYFI: The only thing you need to be an expert baker is mother fuckin’ confidence. Everyone who ate the cake said, “This shit is so good! You have so much fuckin’ talent! And you are so pretty and fit!” Yes, that is a direct quote.

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Yes, Even Cake is Bigger and Fuckin’ Better in Texas

31 Jul

I’ve been back in the best country in the world this summer: Texas. I thought I should share a Tejas (Spanish for ‘Texas’, dumbass) cake I made for a friend, since my summer in Texas is almost at an end.

Bigger and Fuckin’ Better Ingredients

  • A fuckton of white cake batter
  • Mother fuckin’ food coloring
  • Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Tejas and Pistol paper print-outs, unless you are the biggest badass in The West and can free hand that shit.
  • Bigass heart-shaped pan

Bigger and Fuckin’ Better Cake Construction

  1. After the  white cake batter has been made, separate it into three bowls and mix in some red and blue food coloring. Then, pour a bit into the heart-shaped pan and swirl that shit about. (TitTip: Don’t swirl it too much or it will be purple, cock-nuts.)
  2. Bake that fuckin’ shit.
  3. Let that shit cool, and put it in the appropriate place on the cake canvas (for me a ‘cake canvas’ is a cheap metal pan).
  4. Mix some pink dye into some Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze and spread that shit on the cake.
Have a fuckin' heart!

Have a fuckin’ heart!

  1. Repeat step one from the heart-shaped cake, except now you are using square pans.
  2. Then, fuckin’ bake that shit.
  3. After you have let that shit cool, place your Texas stencil on the cake.
  4. Take a bigass knife and go around the edges of the stencil to cut out a Texas-shaped cake.
  5. Align the perfect state on your heart.
  6. Ice that shit in some white icing.
Here's how you make a cake of the best fuckin' state!

Here’s how you make a cake of the best fuckin’ state!

The pistols work like the Texas cut out, expect that you can use the fuckin’ left over cake from the Texas cut out to make the pistols.

Pew! Pew, mother fucker!

Pew! Pew, mother fucker!

Now, to put the whole mother fuckin’ masterpiece together.

Lay that shit out on a cake canvas (AKA: cheap metal pan).

Lay that shit out on a cake canvas (AKA: cheap metal pan).

I made some stars for bullets because bullets are dangerous, but stars are pretty n’ shit.

Todo es mas grande en Tejas! <br /> Everything is bigger in Texas!

Todo es mas grande en Tejas!
Everything is bigger in Texas!

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I Can Fly Twice As High: Dick-Shaped Hot Air Balloon Cookies

17 Jul

Dicktacular Baking Inspiration

The day someone shared penispans.com with me my life was forever changed for the better. From that moment forward I wanted to create something fucktacular a with a phallic baking accessory that would be perceived as something more than just a dick.

I found out friends of mine were having a birthday party for their bad-ass one-year-old, and the theme was hot air balloons. “Holy fuck!” I shouted, as I grabbed my novelty penis cookie cutter and set myself to sketching out a sweet, dick-shaped hot air balloon.

Dicktacular Plans! Yes, this type of thing is just laying around in my apartment all the time. 

Dicktacular Plans! Yes, this type of thing is just laying around in my apartment all the time.

BTFW: If you are thinking: “Hey, this isn’t appropriate for a one-year old’s birthday party! What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?” That is a perfectly normal thing to think. However, please keep in mind:

  1. The kid is one, so she’ll have no idea these are dicks.
  2. Any other kids who see these would have no idea they are chewing on some nommy cocks.
  3. I made other non-dick shaped cookies, so if my friends didn’t want these special cookies out for their kiddo’s party they didn’t have to put them out. When I sent these to my friends, I even threw in some of the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies because I’m thoughtful as fuck.
  4. You’re boring! Don’t be such a prude, fucker.

Cookie Cock Construction

I had to do all the regular cookie making shit: mix an assload of dough, cut out a fuckton of shapes (ex: dicks, rainbows, etc.), and then bake that shit.

Some baked dicks.

Some baked dicks.

Now comes the part that only a master cookie decorator could complete: making the dicks resemble hot air balloons.

Just fuckin’ with you! It’s not hard. Even a fuckhead could do it, so give it a try, fuckhead.

This is how you make dicks look like hot air balloons

This is how you make dicks look like hot air balloons

Be Fuckin’ Careful!

Be careful with this shit! These dicks are soft and break easily.

Story of my life: dick breaking.

Story of my life: dick breaking.

I never cry over a broken dick; I repurpose it.

Building something out of a broken dick.

Building something out of a broken dick.

Hot Air Balloon Dick Cookies

Here are the fucktacular products of my labors.

This shit is colorful.

This shit is colorful.

What a lovely day for a ride in a hot air balloon that's shaped like a dick.

What a lovely day for a ride in a hot air balloon that’s shaped like a dick.

Check out all these hot dicks.

Check out all these hot dicks.

Cookie Cock Comic

I made a horrible comic with a broken dick.

Shitty Dick Comic: Part I

Shitty Dick Comic: Part I

Why Would I Buy a Cock Cookie Cutter?

Why wouldn’t everyone buy a fuckin’ cookie cutter that allows them to make dick-shaped cookies? The possibilities with this cookie cutter are mother fuckin’ endless! I’ve made Christmas Cock Cookies and some Valentine’s Day cock cookies with this cookie cutter.

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A Dick Under The Heel Is Worth Two By The Balls

10 Apr

Background

A smart, beautiful friend of mine has been a fan of my fucktacular baking for some time and my blogging since the beginning. She has put a lot of my shit in her mouth, but I haven’t had the chance to make something especially for her. A few months ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a picture of some high heel cupcakes, and said they would be great for our friend. She is a fancy lady who enjoys pretty shoes, so they would be perfect for her. However, I needed to put a twist on them that my friend would enjoy and would stay true to my baking style. My idea was quite natural, since my friend is a powerful lady that steps on dicks where ever she goes.

Dicktacular Cupcake Instructions

The four dicktacular steps:

  1. Make the dicks
  2. Make the mother fuckin’ cupcakes
  3. Gather cute shit
  4. Construct the fuckin’ fancy shoes

1. Make The Dicks

This is step #1 because this is why you are here. If I didn’t put this first you would just be screaming at your screen in anger: “WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN’ COCKS, YOU ASSHOLE BLOGGER!”

Be sure to locate the most realistic penii mold possible because no one wants to put a cartoon cock in their mouth. You can use melt dark, milk, and white chocolate for the penii. You’ll probably need to trim them a bit afterward.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

Make sure you make them all different colors, or your cupcakes will be boring, bland, and racist.

Colorful penii!

Colorful penii!

I’ll give my best fuckin’ friendship to whoever can make these cream-filled. And….GO!

2. Make The Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

You can make this with your favorite cupcake recipe. Here are some suggestions: margarita cupcakes, mother fuckin’ cookie butter cupcakes, and potato chip and pretzel cupcakes.

Follow these easy steps, fuckhead:

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

2. Let that shit cool.

2. Let that shit cool.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Gather Cute Shit

I hope you looked at the high heel cupcakes made by others. That shit is cute, so I tried to make this shit cute too.

First, you should decide on your shank (FYFI: I discovered, with my Google-ing expertise, a shank is the part of the high heel shoe below the arch.) I made these shanks with white chocolate covered oval-shaped cookies.

TitTip: I would suggest using something graham crackers. Graham crackers would be light enough to hold ingredients, but not so heavy as to weigh down and fuck up some of the shoes.

Gather all the cutest decorating shit you can find. Sprinkles, candies, colored sugar, and maybe more dicks. Dicks can be cute, right?

4. Construct The Fuckin’ Shoes

These were the best instructions on how to construct the high heeled shoes that I could fuckin’ find. You’ll have to change them a bit to compensate for the cock, but who hasn’t had to do some compromising and compensate for a little bit of dick?

First, dig a spoon-sized hole in the backside of the cupcake. Be sure to eat what you dug out of the cupcake to optimize your chances of diabeetus. Next, insert your cookie in the hole at an angle. Then, get a little bit of melted chocolate, take a carefully measured and cut thick pretzels and put it between your shoe shank and a dick.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

Side dick view? Sure, if there is "side boob", why not side dick?

Side dick view! Sure, if there is “side boob”, why not “side dick”?

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Mother fuckin' close-ups!

Mother fuckin’ close-ups!

Get in real close. Don't be shy.

Get in real close. Don’t be shy.

The cupcakes arrived at their destination in pieces and broken. The cookies fell off the cupcakes and the heels slid off the cocks. I guess it’s safe to say these dicks had a rough ride. *winky face*

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